Légendes urbaines volantes / Urban Legends in planes
En Français / In English En Français 1) Frankfort (Aout 1998) 2) Air France et le chien (Septembre 1999) 3) Poulet (Mai 2000) 4) Check list (Novembre 2002) 5) Guichet United (Juillet 2003)
En Français / In English
En Français
1) Frankfort (Aout 1998)
2) Air France et le chien (Septembre 1999)
3) Poulet (Mai 2000)
4) Check list (Novembre 2002)
5) Guichet United (Juillet 2003)
Les controleurs aeriens de l'aeroport de Frankfort sont reputes pour etre facilement irritables. Ils attendent de vous, non seulement que vous connaissiez votre emplacement de parking, mais aussi la facon d'y parvenir sans qu'ils aient a vous assister. C'est donc avec beaucoup d'amusement que l'equipage d'un vol United Airlines a ecoute puis relate la conversation suivante entre le controle au sol de Frankfort et un vol British Airways 747 (indicatif radio Speedbird 206) qui venait tout juste d'atterrir:
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfort, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Controle au sol: "Guten morgen, taxi to your gate."
Le British Airways 747 s'amene sur le taxiway principal et s'arrete.
Controle au sol: "Speedbird, vous ne savez pas ou vous devez aller?"
Speedbird 206: "Attendez controle au sol, je suis en train de chercher ma porte."
Controle au sol (avec des signes d'un impatience toute germanique):
"Speedbird 206, n'etes-vous jamais venu en avion a Frankfort auparavant?"
Speedbird 206 (froidement): "Si, je suis deja passe en 44, mais je ne me suis pas arrete".
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2) Air France (Septembre 1999)
Air France ne manque pas de ressources : recemment, les gars du fret font tomber une cage depuis 15 m de haut. A l'interieur, un chien qu'ils retrouvent mort. Les types sont vraiment emmerdes, et la direction decide d'acheter un chien vivant de la meme race, meme references et hop, ni vu ni connu j't'embrouille, ils le remettent dans la cage et le livrent au proprietaire. A l'arrivee, en voyant le chien, le proprio est sur le cul, et crie au miracle : Il avait envoye son chien mort pour autopsie.
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Dans le dernier numero du magazine americain #Meat and Poultry#, la redaction cite avec delectation un article recent de la revue #Feathers#, organe de la Federation de l'industrie volaillere de Californie, ou l'on conte l'interessante (et veridique !) histoire suivante: Il semble que l'administration aeronautique federale americaine (FAA) ait un moyen unique de tester la resistance des pare-brises d'avions. Le systeme est compose d'un pistolet qui lance des poulets morts sur lesdits pare-brises a la vitesse approximative d'un avion en vol. La theorie est simple : si le pare-brise resiste a l'impact de la carcasse, il devrait survivre a une veritable collision avec un oiseau vivant. Les Belges se sont montres tres interesses et ont decide ainsi de tester la resistance des pare-brise du modele de locomotive a grande vitesse qu'ils sont en train de developper; ils ont donc emprunte le lanceur de poulet americain, l'ont charge et ont fait feu. Le poulet sol-sol a explose la vitre du train, traverse le fauteuil du mecano, defonce la console d'instrument de bord avant de s'encastrer dans le panneau arriere de la cabine de pilotage. Les Belges un peu surpris, ont alors demande a la FAA de verifier la validite de leur test. La FAA s'est donc livree a un examen de la procedure pour aboutir a la recommendation suivante : #IL FAUT DECONGELER LE POULET AVANT LE CRASH !!!#
La même en anglais
Voici le bêtisier d'Air France, qui circule au STNA !
Tout est vrai et certifié. Lors de leur check-list ou en cours de vol les pilotes d'Air France constatent régulièrement un certain nombre d'anomalies. Ils les signalent au service d'entretien sans prendre la peine de se montrer très explicites et en laissant le soin aux agents de maintenance de se débrouiller!!!
Le service entretien résoud le problème et le note sur le carnet d'entretien en laissant poindre son mécontentement ou son ras lebol non sans une certaine dose d'humour teintée d'ironie.
Voici donc quelques spécimens de Problème signalé et le Compte-rendu d'intervention.
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Q : Le pneu principal intérieur gauche a quasiment besoin d'être changé.
R : Pneu principal intérieur gauche quasimentchangé.
Q : Test en vol OK sauf l'atterrissage automatique très brutal.
R : Pas de système d'atterrissage automatique sur cet avion.
Q : Le pilote automatique ne marche pas.
R : Maintenant il marche.
Q : Y a quelque chose de desserré dans lec ockpit.
R : Y a quelque chose de resserré dans le cockpit.
Q : IFF inopérant.
R : IFF toujours inopérant quand il est éteint.
Q : Phare rotatif inférieur à moitié rempli d'eau.
R : Phare rotatif inférieur rempli.
Q : Fuite d'eau manifeste sur le train d'atterrissage principal droit.
R : Fuite plus manifeste.
Q : Volume de DMEi ncroyablement bas.
R : Volume ramené à un niveau plus croyable.
Q : Punaises mortes sur le pare-brise.
R : Punaises vivantes commandées.
Q : L'avion a un comportement marrant.
R : Avion averti de la nécessité de se retenir, de voler droit et de rester sérieux. Essais au sol OK
Q : Le mode activé du pilote automatique provoque une descente de 200 pieds par minute.
R : Problème non reproductible au sol,
Q : Les crans font s'enfoncer la manette des gaz
R : C'est à ça qu'ils servent.
Q : Moteur n°3 manquant.
R : Moteur trouvé sur l'aile droite après une brève recherche.
Q : Il y a un bruit provenant du moteur n°2 comme si un type tapait avec un petit marteau.
R : Petit marteau confisqué au type du moteur n°2.
Q : Gémissement provenant du moteur n°2.
R : Petit marteau rendu au type du moteur n°2
la même en anglais
A tous ceux alentours qui ont eu affaire un jour à un client irascible. C'est un grand classique, en l'honneur de tous ces clients un peu " spéciaux " que nous aimons tant ! Un prix pourrait être attribué à cette hôtesse du guichet de United Airlines à Denver pour son élégance et son humour lorsqu'elle fut confrontée à un passager, qui,manifestement, devait répugner à voyager en classe touriste:
Alors qu'un vol United Airlines, comble de passagers, était annulé, cette hôtesse se trouvait face à une file de passagers mécontents, pour réserver à chacun une place sur un vol de remplacement. C'est alors qu'un passager furieux, se taillant un chemin jusqu'au guichet, jeta son ticket sur le comptoir et dit :
* JE DOIS être de ce vol et il me faut un billet en PREMIERE CLASSE
* Je suis désolé, Monsieur. Je serais heureuse de vous aider tout à l'heure, je dois d'abord m'occuper de ces personnes, et soyez sûr que tout ira bien.
Le passager ne se laissa pas impressionner. Il cria très fort de manière à ce que tout le monde derrière lui entende bien :
* EST-CE QUE VOUS SAVEZ QUI JE SUIS ?
Sans aucune hésitation, l'hôtesse saisit son micro pour les annonces publiques, souriante :
* Puis-je avoir votre attention s'il vous plaît ? Sa voix résonnant dans tout le terminal. Nous avons au guichet un passager qui NE SAIT PAS QUI IL EST. Si vous êtes en mesure d'aider cette personne à trouver son identité, nous vous prions de bien vouloir vous rendre au guichet, merci.
Alors que toute la file d'attente éclate de rire, le passager lâche à l'hôtesse, montrant les dents et crachant:
* FUCK YOU !
Sans broncher, l'hôtesse sourit et dit:
* Je suis désolée, Monsieur, mais pour cela aussi il faut faire la queue.
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In English 1) Boeing Legend (November 1999) 2) Gate agent (November 1999) 3) Pilot/Hostess (January 1998) 4) Maintenance crew (June 1997) 5) Chicken (September 1996) 6) Reservation agent (February 1997) 7) Cemetery (February 2000) 8) Blond joke (December 1997) 9) Gay flying (October 2001)
In English
1) Boeing Legend (November 1999)
2) Gate agent (November 1999)
3) Pilot/Hostess (January 1998)
4) Maintenance crew (June 1997)
5) Chicken (September 1996)
6) Reservation agent (February 1997)
7) Cemetery (February 2000)
8) Blond joke (December 1997)
9) Gay flying (October 2001)
1) Boeing legend (November 1999)
An urban legend that does not even attempt to be believable. If Boeing didn't make it, who did?
French aviation authorities here admitted to a near-disaster which occurred about a month ago aboard an Airbus A320 jetliner. The controversial aircraft with its 'fly-by-wire' flight controls has been the subject of intense controversy since its introduction. The manufacturer, a consortium of European interests, has steadfastly maintained the aircraft's inherent safety over other aircraft, largely as a result of the computerized controls which limit inputs from the pilots to ensure they are always compatible with the current aerodynamic state of the plane. Pilots and other pundits have argued that these same safeguards can severely limit the crew's options in emergency conditions. Additionally, they argue that the increased faith placed in the on-board computers leads to crew complacency and inattentiveness. The incident in question took place while the aircraft, a British Airways plane, was at cruise between New York and Fairbanks. The co-pilot was apparently entering new navigational data into the craft's INS (Inertial Navigation System) when he mistyped a code. The INS came back with 'Invalid PIN number selected' and returned the craft's weight and balance data to the astonished crew. 'We tried several more times," exclaimed Reginald Dwight, the Captain, 'and every time it was the same thing. On the third try it said "Access violation, contact your credit institution if you believe there is an error." At that point all the plane's controls froze and it refused to respond to our commands. We didn't know what to do, so we got on the radio." British Airway's mechanics were equally dumbfounded and decided to call French mechanics. France's Aerospatial is the prime contractor for the aircraft. 'The French were totally rude to us,' stated an unnamed BA mechanic. 'They stated the problem was our fault and that "the pasty little Englishman probably had too many meat pies and Guiness".' 'It wasn't until we told them that Jerry Lewis was aboard the flight that they became concerned.' French mechanics traced the problem to the ATM-6000 INS computer, which was a modified version of a computer used in the United States for bank transactions. 'Essentially, the INS decided that the co-pilot was trying to rip-off someone and locked the controls.' French authorities then assured the English crew that the system would automatically remove the restrictions at the start of the next banking day. 'We told them that we would be in the sea by then!' exclaimed the frustrated copilot, Nigel Whitworth. A French team, headed by Bertrand Swatboutie, determined that manual control of the plane could be re-established if a crewmember went back to the tailcone and operated the elevators manually. The rudder is linked by backup cables to the cockpit and with the crewmember operating the elevator they determined they would have enough control. 'There is nothing wrong with ze plane,' exclaimed Swatboutie, 'that a little pinch in the rear will not cure. Just like a woman. If these English souffres knew anything about women, they would never have had to call us in the first place.' The plane was able to safely land at Denver's Stapelton airport, where the craft was repaired and all crewmember's credit histories reviewed.
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For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as baggage.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!" The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The same in french
3) Pilot/ Hostess (January 1998)
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.
. . .
"Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride'' Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now'"
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
Another version of the same story:
There's a plane pilot getting ready to departure, amidst heavy rain in a far away airport. After a difficult take off, he gives the usual broadcast message to the passengers and inadvertedly leaves the speakerphone on. Leaning back on his chair he tells his co-pilot: "Now that we are in the air, all I want is a cup of coffee and then go down to my bunk and make love to that new blond hostess". From the back of the plane, a horrified young hostess starts running towards the cockpit to switch off the speakerphone. An old lady grabs her arm and says: "don't rush honey,he said he'll have his coffee first".
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4) Maintenance Crew (June 1997)
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crew:
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Similar in french
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed at which the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British were very interested in this device and wanted to test a windshield on a brand-new speedy locomotive they've been developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken, and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel, and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to check the test to see whether everything had been done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."
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Reservations of an Airline Agent (After Surviving 130,000 Calls from the Traveling Public) by Jonathan Lee
I work in a central reservation office of an airline. After more than 130,000 conversations--all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling"--I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.
I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.
In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name as "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere.
In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked, "Oh... is it a big place?"
I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for your ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.
I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?"
I remembered the strict training we had received--four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior--and it allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb."
Well, Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"
Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fair the passenger just asked fo_ he'll always ask: "...Is that round trip?" After quoting the one-way fare the passenger just asked for he'll always, always ask: "...Is that one-way?"
I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for. Then I realized it was part of the hell Sarge told us about.
But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the wary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."
After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going;10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call.
But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click in the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.
Oh, and James... "Thanks for calling and have a nice day."
Newfoundland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna l52 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. I will keep you informed if I get anything further on this.
From a press release sent to JPS, with apologies to blondes!
"Trouble with your Passengers?"
On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the First Class section and requested that she move to Economy since she did not have a First Class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with the customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the First Class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the First Class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the Economy section mumbling to herself. "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he had said to her that had finally convinced her to move from her seat. He replied, "I told her that the First Class section wasn't going to New York."