A l'école / At school

En Français / In English

1) Sperme (Mars 1999)

2) Eau (Decembre 1997)

3) ENA / Province (Octobre 1997)

4) Instit (Avril 2000)

5) Enfer (Juin 2000)

6) Leçon d'anglais (Janvier 2001)

7) Excuses (Aout 2001)

8) Fête des mères (Mars 2002)

9) Bulletins scolaires (Mai 2002)

10) Perles du bac (Octobre et Decembre 2002)

11) Classes primaires françaises (Juin 2003)

1) Sperme (Mars 1999)

Dans une classe de biologie, a Harvard, le professeur expliquait que le sperme contient un taux de glucose tres eleve. Une jeune fille de premiere annee leva la main et posa la question : "Si je comprends bien, vous en etes a dire qu'il y a autant de glucose dans le sperme que dans le sucre ?". "C'est exact", repond le prof, tout pret a fournir des infos d'ordre statistique. Mais la jeune fille leva a nouveau la main : "Dans ce cas, pourquoi cela n'a-t-il pas un gout sucre ?" Apres quelques secondes d'un silence etonne, la classe entiere eclata de rire, et la pauvre fille, prenant conscience de ce qu'elle venait de malencontreusement dire, tourna rouge brique, ramassa ses affaires, et sortit de l'amphi. Cependant, sur le chemin de la sortie, elle entendit la reponse (classique) du professeur, tres pince-sans-rire : "Mademoiselle, c'est parce que les papilles gustatives sont sur le bout de la langue, et non au fond de la gorge".

(La même en Anglais)

===================

2) Eau (Decembre 1997)

Selon un sondage mene recemment par l'"European Science and Environement", trois Anglais sur quatre sont d'accord avec l'affirmation que l'eau est un produit chimique dangereux et que son utilisation doit etre reglementee, voire interdite:

L'industrie chimique, affirmait le texte du sondage, utilise en quantites importantes un compose appele dihydrogene monoxyde. Ce compose est a l'origine de fuites et d'infiltrations frequentes, et se retrouve regulierement dans les rivieres et dans la nourriture animale et humaine. Il est connu pour avoir les effets suivants sur l'environnement et la sante:

1. c'est un composant majeur des pluies acides, a l'etat gazeux

2. il contribue a l'effet de serre

3. il peut etre mortel s'il est inhale accidentellement

4. on le retrouve en quantite significative dans les tumeurs cancereuses.

Estimez-vous, interrogeait le sondage, que ce compose chimique est dangereux et que son utilisation doit etre reglementee, voire interdite dans l'Union Europeenne? A cette question, 76% des personnes interrogees ont repondu oui, 19% ne se prononcent pas, 5% seulement ont reconnu qu'il s'agissait de l'eau et evente le piege.

(La même en Anglais)

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3) ENA / Province (Octobre 1997)

Les chroniques racontent qu'en 1994 aurait eu lieu un challenge d'aviron entre l'equipe de rameurs de l'ENA et ceux d'une universite lambda de "Province ". Les rameurs de l'Universite brillerent des le depart, et arriverent avec une heure d'avance sur l'equipe enarque... De retour dans les locaux de l'ENA, le Comite de Consultation se reunit pour analyser les raisons d'un resultat si imprevu et deconcertant. Leurs conclusions furent les suivantes

1) L'equipe universitaire etait formee d'un chef d'equipe et de 10 rameurs...

2) L'equipe de l'ENA etait, elle, constituee d'1 rameur et de 10 chefs d'equipe.

La decision fut portee a la sphere de planification strategique pour l'annee suivante, avec une reforme dont les repercussions se feraient ressentir a tous les niveaux de la delegation. En 1995, lors du depart du nouveau challenge, l'equipe universitaire reprenait une fulgurante avance. Cette fois-la, l'equipe enarque arrivait avec 2 heures de retard... La nouvelle analyse du Comite de Consultation rendait les constatations suivantes :

1) Dans l'equipe Universitaire, il y avait 1 chef et 10 rameurs.

2) L'equipe de l'ENA, suite aux reformes decidees par le Comite de Consultation et approuves par la haute sphere de planification, comprenait :

* Un chef d'equipe

* Deux assistants au chef d'equipe

* Sept chefs de section

* Un rameur

La conclusion du Comite fut unanime et lapidaire: " Ce rameur est un bon a rien ". En 1996 se presentait une nouvelle opportunite pour l'equipe Enarque. En effet, le Departement du Haut Management de l'ENA, en collaboration avec le Departement de Recherche sur les Ressources Humaines de cette meme ecole avaient mis au point une strategie novatrice qui ameliorerait sans aucun doute possible le rendement et la productivite, grace a l'introduction de substantielles modifications dans la structure. C'etait la la clef de voute du succes, l'aboutissement ultime d'une methodologie qui ferait palir d'envie meme les meilleurs managers au monde... Le resultat fut catastrophique. L'equipe Universitaire arrivait cette fois avec 3 heures d'avance sur l'equipe enarque. Les conclusions furent effroyables :

1) Dans un evident but de destabilisation speculative, l'equipe universitaire avait opte pour la formation traditionnelle : 1 chef d'equipe et 10 rameurs

2) L'equipe Enarque avait introduit une formation avant-gardiste :

* Un chef d'equipe

* Deux consultants Qualite

* Un auditeur en empowerment

* Un superviseur de downsizing

* Un analyste de procedures

* Un technologue

* Un controleur

* Un chef de section

* Un technicien chronometre

* Un rameur

Apres plusieurs jours d'epuisantes reunions et autant de seances de brainstorming, le Comite decidait de punir le rameur en lui supprimant ses bourses d'etude et en le radiant de l'Ecole, dont la Grandeur et Reputation risquaient de se voir ternies par une telle incompetence. Lors de la reunion de cloture, le Comite, appuye par le corps enseignant, statuait : " Pour le prochain challenge, nous engagerons un nouveau rameur, mais par le biais d'un contrat Outsourcing, de maniere a eviter toute friction syndicale et d'esquiver tout contrat de travail et charges sociales qui en decoulent, elements qui, sans aucun doute, ont jusque la degrade l'efficacite et la productivite de nos ressources ".

(La même en anglais)

================

4) Instit (Avril 2000)

Voici une annecdote survenue à mme WALLET (instit à Knoqlezoute)

A l'école, la maîtresse interroge ses élèves en cours de calcul :

"Trois oiseaux sont assis sur un fil éléctrique. Un chasseur leur tire dessus et en tue deux d'un coup. Combien reste-t-il d'oiseaux sur le fil ?"

La plupart des enfants répondent 1, sauf un petit garçon, qui pense qu'il n'en reste aucun. La maîtresse lui demande pourquoi.

"Parce que quand un chasseur tire, les oiseaux ont peur et s'envolent. Lorsque le chasseur a tué les deux oiseaux, le troisième s'est enfui. Il ne reste donc plus d'oiseaux sur le fil".

"Ce n'est pas la réponse que j'attendais, dit la maîtresse, mais j'aime bien ta façon de raisonner !"

La classe se poursuit sans encombre jusqu'au soir.

Le soir, le petit garçon et la maîtresse se retrouvent dans la rue et font un bout de chemin ensemble. Ils croisent 3 jeunes filles assises sur un banc qui mangent des glaces. La première croque carrément dans sa glace ; la deuxième la lèche et la troisième la suce goulûment.

Le petit garçon demande à la maîtresse :

"D'après-vous, laquelle de ces trois filles est mariée ?"

Après un temps d'hésitation, la maîtresse risque une réponse :

"C'est celle qui suce sa glace ?"

"Non, répond le petit garçon, c'est celle qui porte une alliance. Mais j'aime bien votre façon de raisonner..."

============

5) Enfer (Juin 2000)

La question suivante a reellement ete posee en ces termes a l'universite de chimie de Washington : L'Enfer est-il exothermique (degage t'il de la chaleur ) ou endothermique ( absorbe t'il de la chaleur ) ? Appuyez votre reponse avec une preuve.

La plupart des etudiants ecrivirent comme preuve de leurs theories la loi de Boyle ( Les gaz se rechauffent quand ils sont comprimes et se refroidissent quand ils se compriment. ) ou une variante.

Un etudiant, toutefois, a ecrit ce qui suit :

Premierement nous avons besoin de savoir comment la masse de l'enfer evolue dans le temps. Ce qui signifie aussi que nous avons besoin de connaitre le rythme auquel les ames vont en Enfer et le rythme auquel elles en sortent. Je pense que nous pouvons sans crainte affirmer qu'une fois qu'une ame est en Enfer, elle n'en sortira plus. Par consequent aucune ame ne sort des enfers. Pour ce qui est des nombreuses ames qui vont en Enfer, examinons les differentes religions qui existent de par le monde aujourd'hui. Certaines d'entre elles decretent que si vous n'etes pas membre de leur religion, vous irez en Enfer. Depuis qu'il y a plus d'une religion de cette sorte et depuis que les gens ne pratiquent qu'une seule religion, nous pouvons en deduire que tout le monde et toutes les ames vont en Enfer. Avec le rythme des naissances et des morts qui sont ce qu'ils sont, nous pouvons nous attendre a ce que le nombre des ames en Enfer augmente de facon exponentielle. Maintenant occupons nous du rythme d'evolution du volume de l'Enfer, parce que la loi de Boyle predit que pour que la temperature et la pression restent les memes, le volume de l'Enfer doit s'agrandir proportionnellement aux ames qui s'ajoutent. Ceci nous donne deux possibilites :

1. Si l'Enfer croit a un rythme plus lent que celui des ames qui arrivent en Enfer, alors la temperature et la pression s'accroissent jusqu'a ce que l'Enfer craque de partout.

2. Bien sur, si l'Enfer s'agrandit a un rythme plus rapide que le nombre d'ames en Enfer s'accroit, alors la pression et la temperature baissent jusqu'a ce que l'Enfer gele tout entier.

Alors qu'en est-il ?

Si nous acceptons le postulat qui m'a ete donne par Mlle Therese Banyan pendant ma premiere annee d'universite : " Il y aura une nuit froide en Enfer avant que je couche avec toi ! ", et prenant en compte le fait que je n'ai toujours pas reussi a avoir des relations sexuelles avec elle, alors, et jusqu'a preuve du contraire, L'Enfer est exothermique.

Cet etudiant a eu le seul A.

La même en anglais

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7) Excuses (Aout 2001)

Une prof dans un lycée rappelle à sa classe que le lendemain aura lieu l'examen de fin d'année.

Elle dit aux élèves qu'elle n'acceptera aucune excuse pour ne pas venir, en dehors d'une sévère blessure, d'une grave maladie ou d'un décès dans la famille très proche.

Un jeune rigolo du fond de la classe demande alors :

- Et en cas de très grande fatigue pour activité sexuelle débordante ?

Toute la classe pouffe de rire à cette question désopilante...

Quand le silence est enfin rétabli, la prof fait un sourire à l'élève, secoue la tête, et lui dit doucement :

- Vous pourrez écrire avec l'autre main...

La même en anglais

==============

9) Bulletins scolaires (Mai 2002)

Extraits trouvés sur des bulletins, écrits par des profs motivant leurs élèves....

"Attentif en classe... au vol des mouches."

"A touché le fond mais creuse encore..."

"En nette progression vers le zéro absolu !"

"A les prétentions d'un cheval de course et les résultats d'un âne"

"Participe beaucoup... à la bonne ambiance de la classe. Se retourne parfois... pour regarder le tableau." dessous, par un autre prof : "Élève brillant... par son absence"

"Dors en cours, sur le clavier ou le tapis de souris, selon l'urgence." Un peu plus loin : "Ne se réveille que pour boire son café à l'intercours".

"Des progrès mais toujours nul."

"L'apathie a un visage."

"Sèche parfois le café pour venir en cours."

"Un vrai touriste aurait au moins pris des photos."

"En forme pour les vacances."

"Tout comme son acolyte William, plonge inexorablement dans les profondeurs de la nullité."

"Fait preuve d'un absentéisme zélé."

"Fait des efforts désespérés.. ..pour se rapprocher de la fenêtre."

"Hiberne probablement." "Printemps arrivé, toujours pas réveillé."

"Elle mâche... Elle parle... Elle mâche... Elle parle..."

(sur un bulletin de terminale) "sais lire, saura bientôt écrire "

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10) Perles du bac (On en reçoit souvent, celles ci datent d'Octobre et de Decembre 2002)

Quelques perles du bac 2001 (toutes matières) :

- Castor a pris le pouvoir grâce à une guérilla urbaine dans les campagnes.

- Comme souvent, le peuple s'en est pris à un bouc et mystère.

- D'après le calendrier hébraïque, on est en 5757 après Jésus-Christ.

- En 1934, Citroën révolutionne la construction automobile en sortant la traction à vent

- En 2020, il n'y aura plus assez d'argent pour les retraites à cause des vieux qui refusent de mourir.

- Il fut condamné après un procès en bonnet de forme.

- L'hippopotamus est le siège du système neurovégétatif

- L'indice de fécondité doit être égal à deux pour assurer le renouvellement des générations parce qu'il faut être deux pour faire un enfant. On peut s'y mettre à trois ou quatre mais deux suffisent.

- La datation au carbone 14 permet de savoir si quelqu'un est mort à la guerre

- La force de Coriolis provoque des cyclones dans les lavabos.

- La terre rote sur elle-même.

- Le cerveau a des capacités tellement étonnantes qu'aujourd'hui pratiquement tout le monde en a un.

- Le cerveau a deux hémisphères, l'un pour surveiller l'autre.

- Le chèvre est un fromage fait avec du lait de brebis.

- Le gouvernement de Vichy siégeait à Bordeaux.

- Le mètre est la dix-millionième partie du quart du méridien terrestre, pour que ça tombe juste on a arrondi la terre.

- Le Tsar a perdu le pouvoir malgré les occases.

- Le Vietnam est la capitale du Liban.

- Les Allemands nous ont attaqués en traversant les Pyrénées à Grenoble.

- Les continents dérivent, peinards.

- Les escargots sont homosexuels.

- Les Français sont de plus en plus intéressés par leur arbre gynécologique.

- Les passagers de première classe ont moins d'accident que les passagers de deuxième classe.

- Les végétaux fixent l'oxygène grâce aux globules verts.

- Lénine et Stallone.

- Napoléon III était le neveu de son grand-père.

- Privé de frites, Parmentier inventa la pomme de terre.

- Quand il voit, l'oeil ne sait pas ce qu'il voit. Il envoie une photo au cerveau qui lui explique.

- Un collectionneur de timbres est un pédophile.

- Un litre d'eau à 20°, plus un litre d'eau à 20°, égalent deux litres d'eau à 40°.

- Un prévenu est quelqu'un qu'on a mis au courant.

- Un ver solitaire est un ver qui vit tout seul à la campagne.

--------------------

Les perles du bac 2002,

ROME ANTIQUE

- En -52 César a complètement la Gaule.

- La qualité du soldat romain c'est de la bonne qualité.

LES CROISADES

- La croisade c'est un voyage en bateau organisé par le pape.

MOYEN-AGE

- Au moyen âge, les lieux de pèlerinage sont la peste, la famine et la guerre.

- Les insignes de la royauté sont la couronne, le spectre et la robe de chambre.

JEANNE D'ARC

- Elle entend des voix qui lui disent de faire sacrifier le roi de France à Reims.

- [...] Après l'avoir fait sacrifier, les Armaniaques lui mettent le feu.

REVOLUTION FRANCAISE

- La 14 juillet 1789, c'est la victoire des pauvres qui défilent sur les Champs Elysées.

- Louis XVI s'enfuit, mais ils découvrent le poteau rose.

NAPOLEON

- Napoléon a crée les grandes écoles, comme la polyclinique.

- Napoléon est mort guillotiné, Bonaparte aussi.

1960-1980

- Vexé par la crise de 1962, De Gaulle s'exile à Londres.

GEOGRAPHIE GENERALE

- Plus un pays est chaud, plus il est moins développé, froid moyennement développé, très froid, développé.

- PVD : Pays en Voie de Disparition.

EUROPE

- Les pays de l'Europe de l'ouest sont plus économiques que ceux de l'est.

ASIE

- L'Inde est peuplé d'hindous mais il y a aussi des skis qu'on reconnaît à leur turban.

- Les chinois à l'ouest c'est des mongols.

- Singapour est un petit pays cruel.

DEMOGRAPHIE

- Sur 10 femmes, il était obligatoire d'avoir 2,1 enfants. Les femmes européennes doivent avoir 2,1 enfants c'est à dire que sur dix femme neuf doivent avoir 3 enfants et un doit en avoir deux ce qui n'est pas le cas car les gens ont du mal à gérer un enfant à cause : économie, les vacances, la tranquillité.

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11) Classes primaires françaises (Juin 2003)

1- Dans la phrase " Le voleur a volé les pommes ", où est le sujet?

Réponse : " En prison. "

2- Le futur du verbe " je baille " est?

Réponse : " je dors ".

3- Que veux dire l'eau potable?

Réponse : " C'est celle que l'on peut mettre dans un pot ".

4- Qu'est-ce qu'un oiseau migrateur?

Réponse : " C'est celui qui ne peut que se gratter la moitié du dos ".

5- Quoi faire la nuit pour éviter les moustiques?

Réponse: " Il faut dormir avec un mousquetaire ".

6- A quoi sert la peau de la vache?

Réponse : " Elle sert à garder la vache ensemble ".

7- Pourquoi le chat a-t-il quatre pattes?

Réponse : " Les deux de devant sont pour courir, les deux de derrière pour freiner ".

8- Quand dit-on " chevaux "?

Réponse : " Quand il y a plusieurs chevals ".

9- L'institutrice demande " Quand je dis: je suis belle, quel temps est-ce? "

L'élève répond: " Le passé, madame ".

=============

In English

1) Sperm (February 1998)

2) Water (September 1997)

3) Sex Excuse (February 1997)

4) Flat Tire (January 1999)

5) Kids (August 1996)

6) Cells (August 1996)

7) Cambridge (February 1998)

8) Finals (February 1998)

9) Bridge (February 1998)

10) Linguistic (February 1998)

11) Poetry (September 1998)

12) College Application (November 1997)

13) College Admission (December 1995)

14) Hell (February 1997)

15) Japan/USA (April 2000)

16) Porn videos (May 2002)

 

1) Sperm (February 1998)

Here is an "interesting" story about Campus life and the importance of education. In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female {FRESHMAN} raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

(The same in French)

===============================================

2) Water (September 1997)

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious.

(The same in French)

===============================================

3) Sex Excuse (February 1997)

The teacher gives the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with an appropriate note).

A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

The same in french

==========================================

4) Flat tire (January 1999)

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time - however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

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5) Kids (August 1996)

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of Lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey-flavored Lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the Lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

=================

6) Cells (August 1996)

This guy was in a college Biology lab, first day of classes, the assignment involved each student scraping the inside of their cheek to get cell samples, making a slide, and examining them under a microscope.

There was one girl in the class having trouble identifying some of her cells. The professor went over to her and took a look for himself. After a couple of minutes he looked up from the microscope and in a loud voice said "Those are sperm cells". The girl ran out of the lab and dropped the class the next day.

===============================================

7) Cambridge (February 1998)

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University:

It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

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8) Finals (February 1998)

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

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9) Bridge (February 1998)

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.

=======================

10) Linguistic (February 1998)

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

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11) Poetry (September 1998)

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three trashy women in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

===================

12) College Application (November 1997)

An extract from an actual college application:

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

========================

13) College Admission (December 1995)

MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. I actually received this letter, and actually mailed the following (original) response.

 

April 18, 1994

 

Mr. John T. Mongan

123 Main Street

Smalltown, California 94123-4567

 

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

************************************************************************

May 5, 1994

 

Michael C. Behnke

MIT Director of Admissions

Office of Admissions, Room 3-108

Cambridge MA 02139-4307

 

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

================

14) Hell (February 1997)

A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

The same in french

===========


15) Japan/USA (April 2000)

Records indicate that the first bilateral rowing competition between our country and Japan took place in 1997. The Japanese rowing team took the lead from the start and finished 10 boat lengths ahead of our team. An investigation was launched by the Audit and Evaluation group, under instructions from our Executive Committee, to determine the causes of this unexpected defeat. It resulted in the following findings:

a) The Japanese team had 1 team leader and 10 rowers

b) Our team had 10 team leaders and 1 rower

The Strategic Planning Division then decided that restructuring would be necessary for the following Fiscal Year competition.

In 1998 the Japanese team again took the lead from the beginning, finishing this time 20 boat lengths ahead of our team. The Executive Committee had a consultant review once again the factors leading to this surprising result, determining that:

a) The Japanese team still had 1 team leader and 10 rowers

b) Our team had been drastically restructured to include

1 Team leader

2 Deputy team leaders

3 Executive assistants

4 Section chiefs

1 Rower

The Executive Committee came to the inevitable and unanimous conclusion that the rower was incompetent and needed to be retrained as well as attend motivational seminars.

In 1999, after an extensive consultation on a new Vision Exercise for the Team, the Executive Committee created a Trade and New Technologies Secretariat responsible for an ambitious program to improve productivity, implementing a series of innovative reorganizations they considered essential for improving efficiency, effectiveness and rower's moral. As a result, our new team presented a truly edge of technology organization consisting of:

1 Team leader

1 Associate Executive Director

2 Auditors

1 Empowerment advisor

1 Downsizing supervisor

1 Streamlining expert

1 Carrier planning consultant

1 Accountant

1 Measurable results analyst

1 rower

Surprisingly the Japanese insisted on their old fashioned formation of 1 team leader and 10 rowers. The devastating and inexplicable result was they won again, this time by 30 boat lengths.

In view of this situation the Executive Committee has concluded, after months of exhausting meetings, consultations, focus groups, surveys and briefing notes, that the rower is utterly incapable of improvement and has decided to declare his position surplus, forcing him into early retirement.

For the next competition the Executive Committee, with the full support of all other higher management stake-holders, has decided that the rower functions will be contracted through out-sourcing with a specialized consulting company. They are certain this will lead to a more efficient use of resources and to work more smartly, leading us to certain victory this year.

Footnote added gratuitously: And whenever the rower suggested that results might improve if he had some company he was told that he obviously did not quite understand the culture of the team.

(The same in french)

===========

16) Porn Videos (May 2002)

University teaches how to make porn videos

In Tokyo's Roppongi area, a rather unusual "university" is about to open. It offers a six-month course in how to make porn videos, known as AV in Japan. One of the "professors" on its faculty is Tomonori Fujii, who produced the popular porn video "Sentaku-ya-Ken-chan" (Laundry operator Mr Ken).

Students don't have to state their age or sex on applications; instead, an interview is the only requirement for admission. Their motivation is the most significant point, said Fujii. So far eight applicants have been accepted.

Admission fee is 200,000 yen and tuition fee is 980,000 yen, which seems fairly expensive. However, considering that there is a lecture in which students actually make a video, the fee has to include costs such as actresses' fees. The course teaches everything from how to scout actresses, actual filming techniues and audio-visual theories.

Adult videos first appeared in Japan around 1985. "Sentaku-ya-Ken-chan," produced in 1986, sold more than 200,000 copies throughout the country. It was said that this AV helped increase sales of video cassette recorders.

Since then, the Japanese adult video industry has soared to be worth about 100 billion yen today. Some AV makers hire 10 university graduates per year as future producers. So the demand for porn movie directors is high, hence the need for a "university."

One of the executives of a leading AV maker said, "We set no criteria for applicants. Our employees' previous jobs are varied. Sometimes, we work 24-hour days and don't go home for one or two weeks. Without a strong motivation, working in this industry would be tough."

One AV director said: "We are always seeking prospective new employees. If graduates of this school are highly motivated and have an interest in AV, we want to hire them."

Due to the nature of the business, the job turnover rate is high. "It's all about money," said Fujii. "While the producers make a profit, directors only get about 100,000 or 200,000 yen. That's why they tend not to stay very long."

Fujii has an office now in Los Angeles to make adult videos for Western customers. "Videos with Japanese women are in great demand. The market is spreading all over the world. I want to train AV creators, whose works are valued internationally," he said.

Katsumasa Fujino, a representative of Nice Planning Crew Co Ltd, which runs the porn video university, said, "If laws on contents were deregulated, we could ship videos worth more than 300 billion yen. This might help Japan recover from the present recession."